Eternal Struggle

Am I Crazy - Am I Sick - This Evil Thoughts fog my Brain - Fuck my Soul - Strain it to the Maximum - Im a Sick & Perverted Bastard - Is this my Fault? - Is it the Fault of my Disfunctional Family? - The Fault of the Sick & Rotten Society - Or is my Evil a Homegrown - From a Evil Power that lurks in my Mind and avert that i get Lucky? - I had many Chances in my Life i fucked them all up - I alwayz say that was to Increase my Writing and that is True - But was it worthy? - Was it Worth to disclaim a Sober Life of Peace and Happiness? - Is my Writing that Important? - But I Say i the Things are gon his Right Way - The Things are always go the Right Way - There is only One Way - I often think what was when Things lead another Way - Ive i done this or that or desist that or this - But there is no Sense in Thinking about that because it happend that Way it happenend - Often i say it was Destiny - It must happen that Way because of that and that Reason - Allah's Ways are often Strange but they always lead to the Goal - All the Career Oppurtunies i skrewed up lead me to Writing - All the Girls i don't fuck lead to other Girlz i fuck instead - Wayz i choosen lead to that Girl or that Bunch of Freakz - Loves i disclaim and feed my Creative Plants with Human Flesh - But what was i've i choosed another Way? Sometimes Ways i disclined lead me to the Right Way but than i fucked up the Right Way but because of that i found New Wayz - Like i can see what i could have to not have it but see New Things i could have but have them not - Im a Drifter without a Destination - A Eternal Searcher - Damned to be a Unlucky Monkey - A Loser of Society - But a Winner of Art - This Art earn Fruits in the Literaric Way but not in a Financial Way - But i think ive Art goes Commercial it looses a Bit of it's Artifical Sacrifice - Most Artists are sucked in their Life of Disappointments and Decreasments - Art is Pain - But some are get Redeemed - Like Irvine Welsh - He is one of the Most Talented Writers ever and he suceed and live the Lucky Life of a Upper Layer with Orgys and Coursings - But his Past on the Streets of Leith lives on in his Mind but more and more turn into a Cryptically Nightmare - The Nightmare im still trapped in - Do i escape this Dreamscape one Day? - The Horrors and Shocks i drown more and more in - Without the Hope of Escape - Am I Doomed? - Is there a Chance of Rescue for me? - I've there will be a Time when this Dayz are just Disturbing Remindings of a Long-Forgotten Past who spook around in my Distorted Brain? Until now im not complety struggle into Full Madness there was always Straws who keep me in the Traditional View of Reality - Girlz, Partyz, Close Encounters with Old Friends who are a Healty Psychic Condition, Moviez, Music - There are Lot of Avocations - But none of them bring me back from the Path of Destruction - A Road on which i can't turn back - Im sometimes faster sometimes slower slide down on that Chute to the Dark Depths of my Mind - Sure it is some Kind a Healing and Awareness but it drives me also more and more far from Regular Society - Sure im not belong in this Society anyway and never feel completely secure in it and it suffer a Lot of Pain on me but it spread some Kind of Wellness - It was like when Adam & Eve at the Forbidden Fruit - Before that they don't though about that they are Naked and they Enjoy Paradise without Thinking about Anyting - But after they at the Apples they experience the Grue and get disbanded from the Gadda da Vida - The Dispansion from the Complement in My Life began Long Time ago and it is a Floating Process who is still in in Action and more and more i learn to cognize it and to Feel Well in it with diverse Backflashs - Like everthing else the Medal have Two Sides - Black and White in a Two-Face - With Blurred Breakouts - High Pleasures and Deep Sorrows which "Normal" People don't have to Fight with - It's a Benison and a Curse - I don't know which more - I don't believe anybody can say this exactly - But I say even with this Giant Pangs the Moments in which we feel this Unbelievable Highs and Wonders and extrust us in a Constructive Way are all this worth all this Pains - I don't want to go back and live the Life of a Nowhere Man - Work, House, Family - That can't be Satisfing - Not in My Eyes - I see it work with others - Some are Real Lucky - But that are Different Characters to mine - But the Most are deeply unlucky and frustrated - It Reflect in their Hate & Malevolence to our Kind - In All this Crimes and Madness - In this Inapprehensible Doings that People wreak - Society is the Problem - With the First Field the Evil Seed was planted - People belong in the Nature with the Voice of Nature they guide them some are Say - But the True Way is to find your own Voice - To Guide yourself trough this Impervious Jungle - Some need Drugs for that some not - My Mind is expaned to a Dangerous but Effective Level most of the People don't reach even with Halluzinogens - My Body & Mind produce this Stuff by itself - I agnize which are my Problems but i can't escape them yet and the Prospects are not easy to reach - But i fight to reach them - I do everything i can - Sometimes i thinking about resignating - But this isn't a Option because i would stuck and Suicide isn't a Solution neither - So i fight my Way through the Giant Thorn Woods - They grow higher and higher with a Rush Speed that permantly increase but i don't give up - I crush them with more and more Power and Bigger Machetes - I even use Fire Blasters and Laser Guns - My Mind alwayz spin Larger and More Effective Weapons - Life is Fight - I distinguish that and i live this Fight - Whatever which Dark & Sinister Puzzles and Surprisings Allah has in Reserve for me i join in and master it - It's nothing about Narcissm it's about Survial in a Social-Darwinist World full of Dangers and Shadows - Am I Schizophrene - Maybe - But this World is to - You must be a Animal to survive in the Jungle - And you must top them all to be the King of the Jungle - And im a Fucking Emperor - Im such a Fucking Psycho - No One can beat me - There were Nietzsche - There were Hitler - There were Crowley - But im even crazier than them - Im Dav - The Spot lights One Man who stands in the Middle of Billion - He is the Chosen One to overrule the Galaxy and drown it Chaos & Destruction - To fullfil it's Destiniy of X-Tintion ore to save it from it? The Steps are Misty - The Sides are Vague - There is One against the Other and the One with the other and a Middle Thing - It's all a Giant Mess in which is hard to see trough - A Bombastic Never-Endig Riddle but im the Cluemaster - It's not just my Psychosis it's the Insanity of All - I have the Power - We have the Power - Everyone for himself and for all - Every Indivduum fights his own Battle - Leaded and Controlled by Destiny - But we are also control Destiny - It's a Groggy Construct and we all can construct and destroy - Piece by Piece - I reached a Deepness like in my Darkest Phases but this defently was it worth because it shows People who deep they can struggle and how to steere it - It exist Lighter Phases but also Darker both at the Same Time - Maybe it is Real some Kind of Cross in it's own Strange Way - A Cross i must shake off or keep wearing? Im not Sure - Maybe both - I have much more to learn and my Powers are not even close utilized

Kommentar:

Musste sein - War in einer psychotischen LSD-gleichen Stimmung mit Bad Vibrations - Ich musste mir das von der Seele schreiben - Jetzt ist sie beinnahe vorbei und morgen oder eher heut abend ist ein neuer Tag mal sehen wie der wird - Das mit dem Schreiben ist schon eine seltsame Sache - Wenn ich in Freudiger Stimmung bin schreibe ich an den Drehbüchern was mir noch mehr Freude macht - Wenn ich in einer befremdlichen Stimmung schreib ich fremdartiges Zeug was zu gleich heilt aber auch entfremdet und wenn es vorbei ist es wie nach nem Sturm - Manchma ermutige ich die Leute dazu zu schreiben aber so Nächte wie heute lassen mich das überdenken - Was das für eine Krasse Intensive Art des Ausdrückens ist - Es ist definitiv einfacher jemand "Normales" zu sein aber "Normal" war ich eh nie - Ich bin bestimmt dazu Schrifsteller zu sein oder eher verdammt - Zugleich Waffe, Medikament, Instrument, Depressivum und Anti-Depressivum